I spent the entire last month of my second pregnancy rocking my firstborn to sleep every night and weeping over the changes she was about to face. It’s a bittersweet thing isn’t it? Having a second child? You know you’re giving your firstborn the greatest gift in the world by providing a sibling to share life with, but it doesn’t always feel wonderful. I ached because her life would look different and she would have no idea why.
My fears were high. Would she understand that we still loved her more than anything? Would she resent us? Would I resent the new baby? Would bringing home baby brother create a wild child acting out for attention? Have we made a huge mistake? How could we ever prepare her for this? I believe all of those fears are valid and normal. Bringing home another baby IS a big deal. It is life changing for your family unit, but especially for your firstborn.
Preparing your child for a new baby is a huge undertaking, and I believe it can be done well. I want to share a few things I know we did right, but unfortunately I know there are a few things we did wrong too. Hopefully you can learn from our mistakes!
(Photo credits to Laura Vanderzee, our very favorite photographer!)
Preparing Your Child for a New Baby – What We Did Right
- Read books to engage in conversation. We did a LOT of preparation before we even approached the time to bring home baby. We read a lot of books to our daughter, our favorites being My New Baby and I’m a Big Sister (affiliate links are provided for your convenience – these make GREAT gifts!) These books provided opportunities after Carsten’s birth to point back to examples in the book and remind her of changes we anticipated, such as baby crying and baby nursing, etc.
- Involve big sibling in the pregnancy. Scarlette came to every single midwife appointment. I know that may not be feasible for everyone, but she was able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, lighting up with joy right alongside us. She began to look forward to those appointments, saying she would hear brother’s heartbeat go “whomp whomp whomp”. My belly was never off limits for her. She could hug, kiss or talk to the baby as often as she wanted. We never made her feel weird about that, and we always made it a big deal that she was already such a great big sister.
- Make the first meeting special. When it was time for Scarlette to meet Carsten for the very first time, we first started by brother being in his bassinet in the hospital, away from us. She came into the room and we had a chance to love on her and talk to her about her night away from us. We gave her a present from Carsten, then Caleb picked Carsten up from the bassinet to present him to her. Giving her that space and time with us alone to readjust to momma being in the hospital a new environment was crucial.
- Have your visitors focus on the older child. This wasn’t actually any of our own doing, but our visitors were AMAZING to Scarlette. MOST brought gifts specifically for her, and made a really big deal about her becoming a big sister. They engaged with her, they spoke directly to her, and offered her a great deal of praise. I didn’t even think to encourage our friends to do this, they all just instinctively knew how to handle her, and we are incredibly grateful.
- Know the plan during the birth and give the child lots of information. Our girl is a PLANNER…she gets that from her momma. She likes to know what to expect and what’s next. So, we did our best to provide her with plenty of information. She knew as much as feasibly possible considering that births are quite unplanned. She understood who would be caring for her while brother was being born, she knew she would be spending the nights away from us, she knew the hospital and we did our best to explain how her first introduction to brother would play out.
- Prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. We included her in several prayers, but Caleb and I spent a significant amount of time in prayer over their relationship. We pray that they would build a strong bond immediately and their friendship would grow deeper over time. We continue to pray for their love.
(Photo credits to Laura Vanderzee, our very favorite photographer!)
Preparing Your Child for a New Baby – What We Did Wrong
- We did not carve out enough one-on-one time with Scarlette after we were home. Two weeks after we brought home brother, she had a really big meltdown. She had been adjusting well and this behavior really shocked us. We realized she needed attention, so Caleb took her out on a Chick-Fil-A date and she was immediately her happy self again. Learning from that mistake, we had a standing “Scarlette date” each week and would alternate who went with her. Plan for time alone with your firstborn ahead of time to avoid any major meltdowns.
- We allowed too many people over too soon. Don’t get me wrong, we are the kind of people who LOVE the company and don’t personally mind the visitors, but looking back, it wasn’t the best decision for Scarlette. She struggled when people left, and I think she felt like she was in competition with brother for the company’s attention. Even though all of our guests were incredible with her, we would limit the amount of people who came if we could do it over again.
- We tried to do too much, too soon. Listen, we just experienced a MAJOR life event. Culture tells us to jump back up on the horse and move right along. Let me say, that’s insane. Family dynamics have changed dramatically, and you don’t need to try to get it all figured out right away. Build in some wiggle time to adjust to your new family.
- We didn’t carve out enough time for us. Make date nights happen. Don’t let months go by before you realize you haven’t been able to have a conversation in weeks. Because life with two babies is the death of finishing conversations. I realize this goes against not trying to do too much, but your marriage is priority. Keep your marriage as high of a priority as you’re able.
(Photo credits to Laura Vanderzee, our very favorite photographer!)
Once you’ve brought the baby home, read about how to nurture the sibling relationship here.
What would you add to this list? How did your firstborn adjust to the new baby?
Ally King says
We did a lot of the same things wrong–pretty much everything on the list. Haha…the one piece of advice I can give to parents welcoming another child to the family is to prepare the younger kids for changes and don’t try to keep everything the same as it was.
We tried to maintain the exact same schedule and routine after the baby came as we had before he was here. That is physically impossible though. Sure, keeping some of those rituals can help the child feel secure, but we tried too hard to do IT ALL.
This is a great list for second time parents–I can think of a bunch of families to share it with! Thanks for another great post
Roxanne says
Thanks!
I’d agree with the schedule thing too. I think we felt like we HAD to make sure her life was exactly the same, and that’s just impossible. Bedtime got confusing, it just didn’t work out like we hoped – and THAT’S OK! Caring for her heart was higher priority.
Kimberly says
I am not a mother yet but these are such great tips for anyone who is expecting. I am definitely going to file this away.
Roxanne says
Thanks! I hope it helps!
Emily says
What adorable pictures! I don’t have any children yet, but I’m definitely going to remember these tips for when I am about to have that second one Thanks for the great advice!
Roxanne says
Thank You! We have the BEST photographer – Laura Vanderzee!
Matilda says
Wow, i am a mother of one and have not yet given a thought to these preparations. Thanks for sharing..
Ashley says
I love this list. What a blessing your friends were to you and your daughter! Adding a new baby can be such a hard and beautiful transition. It sounds like all in all, you handled it well! Way to go Mama!
Jenn says
Wow, this post is fantastic! We are still getting settled in with Baby #1, but we do hope to have at least one more child, and these tips are super practical. I was five when my little brother showed up on the scene, and I felt so special that I got to be a big sister. It looks like Scarlette did too!
Andi says
that child is going to need a LOT of extra attention when the baby comes
Kandi says
I wish some one would of told me these things when we had ours! I had my first child in July by April I learned of my pregnancy with my 2nd. By January my daughter was born. My son was 18 months. When it was closer to the time of her being born we did things like let him pick out a gift for baby sister. When he came to meet her he was the one to hold her. He also got to tell everyone her name (as best as an 18 month child could lol)
Roxanne says
How fun that he got to announce her name! That’s so special!
Marilyn says
You have a beautiful family. Great words of wisdom.
Pamela says
You did an amazing job! I especially like the idea of a few minutes before the baby joined you. Wish I would have thought of that!
Roxanne says
Thank you!
Yes, that was a special time!
Marilyn says
You have a beautiful family. Thank you, for letting us have a glimpse into your life. Blessing!
Roxanne says
Thank you so much – that’s very kind of you to say!
Mary Collins says
Beautiful children. Congratulations! Great information for those about to introduce a new little one into the family. You never know how the older child will take having a little sister or brother.
Marissa says
These are great tips. We asked family to bring small gifts for our older kids. And before they met their new sibling daddy took them to buy brother or sister a special gift. It was great
I put together a list of the books we loved to read while waiting for new babies: http://forfunreadinglist.blogspot.com/2014/03/childrens-corner-8-books-to-prepare.html/
If you’re interested
Marissa
Roxanne says
Thank you for sharing!!!
Renee Kinlaw says
Wonderful ideas. Thanks for sharing.
Denise says
Some of the tips you gave would be good in another post about people who visit families with new babies as well. We learned after the birth of our first child to limit the visitors for the second. My daughter was five when my son was born. Everything was great for a few weeks….. and then it seemed to sink in he was here to stay(even though she did know that). One day she packed a paper bag and decided to go to grandma’s house to live…. and she would have too. She is now 21 and we laugh about that.
Roxanne says
That would be a great post! Thanks for the ideas!
Brandi @ penguinsinpink.com says
My girls are 16 months apart. So while we tried to explain to our first born what was happening… there was a lot she didn’t get. However, we also made a big deal about her becoming a BIG sister and so did our visitors. I was also very blessed because for the first few nights we were home from the hospital my mother kept my oldest. In fact, she had intended on keeping her longer but I missed her and wanted to get used to having two before my hubby went back to work.
Roxanne says
That IS a close age difference! It’s harder when they certainly can’t comprehend – but it sounds like you did a great job!
Jonathan Key says
We read a lot of books with our first. We also talked to the baby a lot. When the 2nd one came along the oldest was used to the idea. Great tips!
Roxanne says
Thank you! Talking to the baby a lot helps so much!
Jodi Spencer says
I wish I had read this about 6 years ago while I was pregnant with my youngest! Luckily we never had trouble with adjusting, but I would have been much better prepared!
Roxanne says
That’s great that you never had any trouble! We really had a surprisingly smooth transition – I was prepared for the worst!
Marie says
Our son was 3 1/2 when our daughter was born. We allowed him to read with her while I was pregnant with her. He “played” trucks with her by driving a little truck over my belly and he talked to her daily. the one thing I didn’t think of is the day of going to get her from the hospital. He was literal minded, so that morning when we “went to get her” after several hours, he was exhausted and just wanted his baby so he could leave.
they grew up best of friends. I’m thankful
Roxanne says
Kids are SO funny with how literal they can be! I love that your kids are still great friends!
Ursula aka Blueridge Beauty says
Love your honest pros/cons with introducing the newest member to the older sibling!! This gave alot for me to think about in the future for additional kids!
Ursula aka Blueridge Beauty
Roxanne says
So happy to help! Thank you!
GinaB @ Mirror Watching says
This a wonderful post. I loved the way you presented her brother to her and your insights on what you did wrong were honest and solution based.
Roxanne says
Thank you! We strive to be honest and transparent about our struggles! Maybe it will help someone not to do the same!
Roxie says
This is a great read, thank you. I especially like the introducing your child to your baby part. My son is 5 next month and im due our second in November. He is very excited about it all, but we had our first ‘blip’ this week when I was showing my mother-in-law all the pink things we had bought. He started to show off for attention.
Elmo says
Thank you for posting this. I’m due with my 2nd in 5 months and already dreading how my 2 year old daughter will feel. I don’t want her to feel left out at all and I will definitely plan for alone time before she meets the new one and get the books you recommended:)
Roxanne says
Let me know how it goes! I really am hopeful these tips help!