Here’s the thing. It’s undeniable. My daughter is absolutely beautiful. Yes, yes, I’m a biased mother. But aside from this fact, she hears it all the time. It’s a rare occasion for us to go out in public and someone doesn’t comment on how cute she is. Sometimes, it even merits her free snacks or gifts (seriously). And all this is fine and dandy, I know she’s beautiful and I want her to know that too. But I want her to know she’s more than just beautiful too.
(photo credit to Laura Vanderzee, the best photographer in OKC!)
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I want my daughter to know she is more than lovely blonde hair, stunning blue eyes and porcelain skin. I want my daughter to understand that the quality of her character adds up to an inherently greater value than the sum of her looks.
Strong. Smart. Independent. Brave. Funny. Kind. Caring. Full of integrity. Honest. Loyal. Powerful. Strong-willed. Capable of thinking on her own. Daring. Adventurous. A world changer.
These are the kinds of descriptors I want her to hear more of. I desire for her to be able to rightfully place integrity above beauty.
This can’t happen if she’s only ever told she’s beautiful.
Just recently people started commenting more frequently on how tall she is. Can you guess what my little mockingjay is walking around the house repeating these days? “I’m tall! I’m a tall girl!” She is affected by the things she hears. We have to acknowledge this truth, and be sure she’s hearing the things that are important.
Aren’t You Being a Little Ridiculous?
Let me address the argument I already hear forming against what I’m saying. You know, the person who is thinking, “goodness can’t you just accept a compliment?” This is for you.
Yes, I can accept a compliment. In fact, I aim to teach my daughter to accept compliments boldly yet also in humility. This is about our culture. This is about the pervasive, underlying cultural standard that values a woman based on her appearance alone. How else do you suggest we battle this very real issue? What good does it do my daughter to hear on repeat that she is so very beautiful? What message does that clearly send to her? “Beauty is all that matters.” That’s the message she’s being inundated with.
I can’t battle this ever-growing problem alone. And listen, I’m GUILTY AS CHARGED TOO. It’s way too easy to comment on how adorable/handsome/cute/pretty a child is. I fully understand! I’ve caught myself changing my method of compliments since becoming a parent. I obviously don’t always know the child well enough to comment on the content of their character, so I’ve adopted a generic phrase, “well aren’t you just the cutest thing! I bet you’re kind too!” It’s a work in progress.
But that’s the goal! Progress! Working toward a culture that sees a person for their true value, not passing judgment based on their outward appearance. How do we get there?
A Practical Solution to Help Battle the Weight of Beauty
I am resolved to battle this head-on. One way that I have decided to attack this issue, is by how I respond when strangers tell my daughter she’s beautiful. I absolutely want to confirm that praise from them and thank them for the compliment. But if they stop there, I will be the one who goes further. “Thank you so much, she is beautiful isn’t she? She’s also an incredibly smart little girl too!” I also believe this is a prime opportunity to take my daughter even deeper. After an exchange, I can also talk to her about what we just experienced. Something along the lines of, “that person sees how pretty you are and that’s great, but mommy knows that you are also a smart, strong, clever little girl!”
What if you practiced this yourself? What if you personally worked to point out people’s character, over their appearance? How do we shift culture without actively engaging in being a part of the change?
You’re right, Roxanne, this does happen all the time. I read a lot about girls and beauty and how Christians should teach their daughters from Kristen at WeAreThatFamily and this post is along those same lines. I like that you address the issue AND what we can do to turn conversations toward the other awesome qualities our kids have (even though we do think they’re the cutest kids evah!) BTW, those photos of your littles are precious.
Thank you!
And absolutely – we want them to hear meaningful things about who they are!
I think you are so right in trying to get this lesson across to your daughter. Our society is so focused on physical appearance that it is unbelievable. What happens when she is no longer young and pretty and no one is constantly telling her she is pretty? Absolutely, make sure she knows there is more to her than her looks.
I hope that one day we can say, our society is focused on someone’s character. We can hope!
This is SO good! It’s so ingrained in our culture that I find myself doing this, too, sometimes. But I try really hard to catch myself or at least follow up with other non-physical attributes.
Thank you! Like I said, I’m guilty too. It’s too easy to throw out a compliment about looks. But we can all try harder!
as a child, i was never told i was beautiful – or smart….
I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are told that now – because you are!
I love this! You daughter is indeed really cute. Our kids are really cute too but we want people to remember that first their people and second their cute kids. I like how you described what you’d like people to think of her:
“Strong. Smart. Independent. Brave. Funny. Kind. Caring. Full of integrity. Honest. Loyal. Powerful. Strong-willed. Capable of thinking on her own. Daring. Adventurous. A world changer.”
I hope and pray for this for my kids too.
I would say a person with those characteristics will turn out to be a pretty great adult!
So sweet and YES she is beautiful! I can tell both on the inside and out! So glad she has such a wonderful role model in YOU!
Thank you! You’re so sweet
I love this! We do need to be teaching little girls that they are more than their looks. I make an effort to avoid commenting on a child’s looks. Thank you for sharing this important message.
As a fellow mother to a daughter who gets her share of compliments as well, I completely agree with you. Sure, my girl can be called beautiful, but give her a bit more credit because she’s a lot more than that. You’re right in saying that it’s due in part to our culture that things like this happen. At least we can do something about, though. Like you said, progress is where we can start, and I love the little responses you mention when your daughter gets a compliment (or when you give one to another child as well). It’s a small step, but a step nonetheless. All it takes is a ripple to make that wave, eventually, right? Thank you for such an eye-opening post, Roxanne!
I have thought about this before & definitely try to word my compliments differently so a child hears more than just “cute”. Sometimes it’s tricky, though, when I only have a 2 second window as I push my shopping cart by. I don’t know the child, am not necessarily starting a conversation with them (don’t want to be THAT stranger),etc. But I definitely enjoyed & agree with your post!
Coming over from Tuesday Talk
It’s hard to do than you think! But re-training our minds with how to respond makes all the difference!
Totally agree. Not a nice thing to think, but in a moment our beauty can be altered. Our character, however, who we REALLY are should be the focal point. Building up that aspect of our children will go farther than admiring how nicely they look on the outside.
Agree! i have two girls and i always tell them how beautiful they are!
I have thought about this a lot as a mom. I think it is so easy to say how beautiful someone is but I do want to be careful about it and point on inward beauty. I love seeing someone’s inward beauty shining out! Thanks for sharing this at Tues Talk!